January 9th, 2008 - Cabin Fever Keeps Out the Jitters

I’m antsy. This house is just too much of the same for me to stand it much longer. I’m only here for a few days, but even so, I’m both anxious to leave and just as anxious about the coming semester. It’s got me feeling jittery whenever I think about the next few months. I screwed up so badly last semester that I guess I’m afraid that this semester will just be a continuation of that 4-month train wreck.

To tell you the truth, I am also looking a bit forward to it. I have a new room, a new roommate, and it’s a new year. Maybe…just maybe I can start fresh this time. True, I still have a couple major pieces of baggage on my shoulders, and as beautiful as some of that baggage is, it’s holding me back and holding me down. Not so much by existing, but by being so convenient for me to think about that I can’t stop dwelling. Because that’s what I do; I dwell and I regret and I’m ready to quit that. But I’ve also got to be careful I don’t lose myself in the process.

Certainly there are a few things to look forward to. My fully repaired Zune should be arriving, fully functional and free of charge, sometime tomorrow and Saturday I get to pack, which I always enjoy. I like packing; the feeling it gives of change and forward motion. It makes me feel as though I’m taking steps towards progress, even if I’m only returning to somewhere I’ve already been. But then again…a place is only a location. Winthrop…it’s an experience. Sometimes awful…sometimes, maybe sometime soon….hopefully not.

Then again, our room will probably be pretty damned popular. Not only are we going to have a whopping 3 TVs (11”, 19” and 40”) as well as the 360 and surround, but pretty soon we’ll be getting Rock Band to go with Guitar Hero 3. Chances are, that coupled with my knack for interior decorating, means we’ll probably be getting quite a bit of company during the semester- and quite a few noise violations in the process, I imagine.

On a sad note, I still have no car and with no car, the chances of a job are somewhere between zip and nada. Sure, there are jobs within walking distance, but I’m not dumb enough to think those aren’t already full. I don’t want to go back to being a Lab Op. I need better pay and more hours if I’m to pay my monthly bills as well as help my dad out. It’s a lot of pressure to be added on top of an entirely new major. Am I going to be good at Journalism? Or is it just another pipe dream I’m not cut out for? I guess, like theatre and art, where I had the skill but not the patience or passion, respectively, I’ll have to try it and see.

Along with a job and new major, I have to try and find a mental health center in Rock Hill who will work with a poor college student. Then I have to secure transportation so I can get re-evaluated and maybe get some academic accommodations through Winthrop and maybe, if there’s no other alternative, be put back on meds. But unlike elementary and middle school, this time I will have a say in the process this time. I will not be some lab rat or guinea pig. Hopefully I’ll be able to get something going, somehow, where I’ll be able to get away from myself long enough to enjoy life and all that it offers.

In the meantime, I’m trying to find new hobbies. I want to get back to working out on a regular basis again, maybe start a new jogging route. I know that being physically healthy leads to being healthier mentally as well along with improving personal body-image and confidence and that’s always been one of my weak points. I’ve always felt fat and unattractive with my shirt off and while some things can’t be helped, I think working towards bettering my physical fitness will go a long way towards making me feel better about myself. Hell, who knows, I may eventually get a shot at being in the UFC if I stay dedicated.

Along with this, I’ve been auditioning for a lot of voice-acting work for online machinima projects, primarily using Halo 3. I want to be involved in some kind of performance-oriented hobby and I’ve always felt my skill in vocal delivery is good for voice-acting. I love acting, directing and writing. I always have, don’t get me wrong. The reason I quit as a theatre major wasn’t a lack of love for the craft; it was a blatant fear and loathing of that “cult” in Johnson Hall comprised of theatre majors. I felt so unwanted and so unwelcome there that I just lost any desire I ever had to perform onstage there. As such, I’ve set my sights elsewhere, starting with a field that I’m more interested in. I’m still waiting for a reply from the project lead, so I’ll see how it turns out when I hear back from him.

When I logged on a little while ago, I knew I’d need to write something before the day’s end, even though I didn’t really have any issues I felt any burning need to discuss or vent about. So while this hasn’t really been a therapeutic entry, it has helped in that it’s teaching me to write even when I don’t feel like it; something I’ll need to do often if I want to make it in the field of journalism. So here’s to a guaranteed aspect of my future: working despite a loss of inspiration.